Cameroonie

Teen Chronicles I

2012-02-16T17:58:00.003-08:00

Preface

During the 2011 fall semester at ASU, I completed a comprehensive course all about teenagers. Although many of my classes have covered adolescents to some degree or another, this was the first one I’ve taken that focused primarily on this specific age group. Needless to say, the class was a wealth of information. While I would like to think that I just exited this stage of life and that my recent experiences there make me an expert on the subject, time has punched me in the stomach and I’m still coming to grips with the fact that I am nearly twice the age of the average teenager now! In fact, my struggle to understand and relate to teens is increasing more and more every day. This is true of most of us though. Heck, even teens have a hard time understanding their peers let alone themselves. The truth of the matter is, being a teenager or being the parent of a teenager is no cake walk! As such, I feel that being armed with information can help both adolescents and their parents make the best of this stage of life.

Beginning today, I will be periodically posting intermittently written articles entitled Teen Chronicles. Because there are so many important things to say about adolescents, this topic will have to be broken down into manageable parts that will be featured in numerous future posts. It is my hope that each of these articles will be helpful to those of you who may be in need of answers about those crazy years that span from about age 10 to 25.

Teen Chronicles I

(Sleep)

Adolescents need approximately 9 ¼ hours of sleep! The problem is, most teens get less than 7. Because of this, sleep deprivation is a huge concern and as you might have guessed, can wreak havoc on your child’s academic performance among other things (Steinberg, 2011, pg.40-41). Believe it or not, your sleepy teen is not always tired simply because they’re a lazy bum! Instead, their bodies and minds are experiencing a great deal of change and these processes can be very draining. Just as a baby needs a lot of sleep to aid their development, so do teens! If we can maintain this perspective, we will be less likely to criticize our teens for something that is mostly out of their control.

Another interesting thing that happens during the adolescent years is the shifting of your teen’s circadian clock. The circadian clock is a mental mechanism that tells the brain when to produce melatonin so as to induce sleep. Because this biological timer naturally shifts, a process known as a delayed phase preference, teens experience a daily condition that is almost like jet lag. Put another way, 7:00am feels like 5:00am. Knowing that their inner clock moves forward approximately two hours also explains why your adolescent suddenly wants to stay up later. 10:00pm now feels as early as 8:00pm. Who wants to go to bed when it feels like the party is just starting?

Parents of teens should do all that they can to encourage their teens get enough sleep. It is also important that parents have patience and avoid disrupting their kid’s sleep by making them get up earlier than is necessary. Remember, a teen’s brain will still be producing melatonin for the night even after the sun comes up. Typically, this cycles lasts from about 1:00am to 10:00am (Steinberg, 2011, pg.40). Trying to get them to focus early in the morning will be an uphill battle until after melatonin production ceases.

There are a lot of die-hards out there that want their kids to tow the line as it relates to the “early bird catching the worm.” While I appreciate the lesson parents want to teach their kids, the “early to bed, early to rise” admonition may or may not be what's best for adolescents. Studies on the other hand, reveal that teens hit their “A game” between 10:00am and 3:00pm. So, the next time your teen is in bed past 9:00am, be careful not to rush to any judgments or apply critical labels.

Helping your teen get enough sleep should be your first priority. Sleep will promote a more positive outcome for both you and your teen than sticking to your guns about an appropriate wake time ever will. This is not to say that teens should be allowed to sleep in till noon, but a reminder that they are on a different schedule than you! I would also like to point out that getting too little of sleep in adolescence is predictive of poor sleeping habits as an adult. But don’t worry, as your teen ages, their circadian clock will eventually adjust to a pattern that will seem more acceptable to you.

This circadian phenomenon is so very real that school districts all across the nation have or are considering adjusting their start times to cater to it. For instance, most of Arizona's junior high schools start at 9:00am, and most of the state's high schools begin at 8:00am. This is fitting since middle school aged students are affected by the circadian condition more so than their high school counterparts. At the same time, parents may also find that they too will have more success eliciting their teen’s attention and cooperation by requesting it later in the day as apposed to in the early morning hours.

To address a personal pet peeve of mine while also advocating for what’s best for adolescents, I’d like to strongly encourage youth leaders to avoid starting activities and outings any earlier than 9:00am when possible. This may sound unreasonable, but only because it flies in the face of habit/tradition. My advice however, is supported by ample research! Although you are rearing to go and may want to get things done and over with earlier in the day, you will find that your younger participants will glean more from these activities when they are scheduled to coincide with the processes in their heads. The bottom line is, youth leaders need to put the needs of those they oversee above their own.

Last but not least, teens who get more sleep not only do better in school, they eat better and are less likely to develop emotional issues such as depression and anxiety. Best of all, emotional regulation works wonders in the fight against behavioral issues such as defiance and aggression (Steinberg, 2011, pg.41). In this way, allowing your teen to sleep in may in fact be one of the best things you can do for them. At least until their a little bit older.

C. Lee

References

Steinberg, L. (2011). Adolescence. (Ninth ed., pp. 40-41). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Happy Valentines Day

2012-02-14T17:28:00.003-08:00

Happy Valentines Day

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to wish you and yours a Happy Valentines Day. I hope it was a great one for each of you and that you took the time to express gratitude to and for those whom you love the most. Likewise, I hope you were each appreciated and loved back! Valentines Day is one of those holidays that elicits the kinds of behaviors that we should all display year round. Past the cards and chocolates, we know it's really about honoring those who are held in our hearts. This is not a holiday exclusively for those who have found a romantic partner though. Instead, your Valentine can be anyone who is special to you. With that, go out and share how you feel and let someone know they are cared for.

As cheesy as all of this and the following may be to some of you, my Valentine of course, is my wife Cassie. Next month, she and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary! As I look back over the years, my heart is filled with gratitude for the person she is and all that she does. She is an outstanding wife and has more patience to put up with me than anyone else I know. Despite wanting to be a marriage counselor and seemingly having relationship answers, I am far from perfect and I am so grateful she has always been willing to forgive me for my shortcomings and when I don't have the answers. Much of what I am learning about love has not come from my textbooks. Instead, I am a student in the class of trial and error just like everyone else. I just count my blessings that I get to go through it all with her. I love Cassie with all my heart! She is my best friend and I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. Well, maybe our kids too!

After completing my first shift at work this morning, I came home on my break to see my wife and wish her a happy Valentines Day. Because I go in to work at 5:30am, she is usually asleep when I leave. Although it may sound romantic to wake her up and kiss her goodbye, I've learned that sleeping parents who have toddlers and infants should never have their sleep interrupted. Either way, we don't usually get a chance to say hi to each other until my break at 10:00am.

When I walked in the door late this morning, I was completely blown away by how clean the house was. What an outstanding gift for a neat freak like me! I am just amazed that she somehow immaculately cleaned the entire house while still caring for our two children during the short time I was gone. This by the way, is a feat! Our daughter likes to make messes as we clean. Next, I found paper hearts with messages on them. Each cutout was specifically placed so as to coincide with a clever and sweet message. It was really cute and made me smile. I also got a huge Pay Day candy bar and the movies father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II. She's the best!

Once again, Happy Valentines day and thank you to everyone who follows my blog. I appreciate it greatly!

Sincerely,

C. Lee

P.S. Happy 100th Birthday Arizona!

Utah & Depression

2012-02-12T09:55:00.001-08:00

Utah and depression?

Many years ago, a friend of mine presented me with an explosive article which declared Utah to be the most depressed state in the country. As I examined this particular publication, it became very obvious that its writer was not a friend to the Mormon Church. Moreover, although Utah is home to many non LDS residents, the article’s author wrote his piece as though the available statistics were exclusively representative of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The truth of the matter is, this man’s work aimed to tear down a faith, not promote an explanation for actual data. As a student in the field of psychology, I feel it’s appropriate to recognize that Utah has higher averages relating to depression and its treatment. I do not however, feel it is satisfactory to offer findings without mentioning any plausible explanations for the results. I am also opposed to those who intentionally or carelessly use broad statistics to mislead others or to perpetuate a personal agenda.

More recently, Mitt Romney’s bid for the Oval Office in 2008 and at present has caused this topic to resurface. As most people already know, Mitt’s a Mormon, and Utah is a Mormon state. Thus, as an attempt to discredit a Mormon presidential hopeful, the media has had no qualms about reminding us that “Utah is the most depressed state.” Never mind the fact that Romney is not a resident of Utah. Yet and still, the ever so subtle negative insinuations that it is the Mormon religion causing depression among the people in Utah is not hard to miss.

In an article on the subject, Goldman (2008) writes, “a recent study by Mental Health America, the country's oldest independent mental health advocacy organization, ranked Utah the most depressed state in the country. Another survey released last week by drug distribution company Express Scripts found that residents of Utah were prescribed antidepressant drugs more than those of any other state and at twice the national average. According to MHA, some 10.14 percent of adults in Utah "experienced a depressive episode in the past year and 14.15 percent experienced serious psychological distress. ... Individuals in Utah reported having on average 3.27 poor mental health days in the past 30 days." The reason for Utah's mass depression, however, is unknown. "The truth is, we don't know why," said Dr. Ted Wander, spokesman for the Utah Psychiatric Association.”

As I read the above article, two statements stood out above the rest. First, Goldman himself acknowledges that the reasons for Utah being statistically the most depressed state are unknown. Second, Goldman substantiates the fact that they have no explanation for these statistics by quoting Dr. Wander, who essentially says the same thing. To me, this extremely problematic! What good are results unless we understand what the findings are telling us? Do the statistics accurately reveal that Utah is the most depressed state, or are these numbers reflective of other factors?

A close examination of the LDS faith indicates that there are a number of variables to be considered if one is to make sense of any statistics about depression in Utah. First, most Mormons do not consume alcohol. Second, most Mormons do not smoke. Third, most Mormons do not use illegal drugs. Fourth, most Mormons do not engage in sexual activities prior to marriage. Interestingly, these are the very vices a lot of non-Mormons turn to when they are stressed or trying to cope with life’s challenges. If Mormons choose to refrain from smoking and drinking to ease their problems, is it any wonder then that they are more likely to seek medical help instead? If so, statistics tied to depression diagnoses and prescriptions to treat depression would naturally be higher in a place where people avoid other avenues used elsewhere.

It’s also important that we remember that statistical data does not occur in a vacuum. In other words, we cannot look at depression statistics while overlooking other facts if we truly want an accurate understanding of the people we are studying. If we assume that a finding that “Utah is the most depressed state” somehow spells that Mormons are among the most depressed people, we do so very blindly. If anything, Mormons themselves claim to be some of the happiest and most family oriented people in the country. So, despite how Utah’s depressions statistics have been plastered all over the media, what do other statistics relating to Utah and Mormons tell us?

Available statistics focused on Mormons and/or Utah actually show that their averages in many other areas fare better than many national averages. The U.S. Govt. Census Bureau lists Utah as the state with the lowest teen pregnancy rate and the lowest abortion rate in the United States. Utah ranked number one in the nation for fewest one-parent families. The latest federal health figures (1997) rank Utah as has the nation's lowest percentage of out-of-wedlock births. Other studies indicate that LDS women are more likely to graduate from college than Catholic or Protestant women. Utah spends much less of its budget on public welfare than the other states. Utah also has the lowest child poverty rate in the county. National health data consistently shows that Utah has the lowest rates of smoking, alcohol use, lung cancer, etc. In 2000 Self magazine ranked Provo, Utah as the number 1 healthiest city in the country for women. The article said that the Mormon influence is the reason women in Provo experience such low incidents of cancer, smoking, drinking, violence, depression, etc. The American Journal of Epidemiology: stated that “active Latter-day Saints Seven Times Less Likely to Commit Suicide.” According to IRS tax returns, Utah residents rank first among all U.S. states in the proportion of income given to charity by the wealthy. The American Legislative Exchange Council's (ALEC) Report Card on Education 1996 reported that Utah was ranked 7th academically in the nation. Utah has one of the highest high school graduation rates in the nation. National demographic studies indicate that couples in which both partners are Latter-day Saints (and who marry in a Latter-day Saint temple) have the lowest divorce rate among all U.S. social and religious groups studied. Utah ranked 12th for the lowest crime rate ("Sampling of latter-day," 1999). And although there are many other interesting statistics that highlight similar findings, I’ll conclude by sharing that Salt Lake City has long been ranked number one among U.S. cities in Jell-O consumption. In 1999 however, Salt Lake fell to second place, behind Des Moines, Iowa. This is because Mormons turned to casserole making instead.

As you can see, there is plenty of data that could indicate that Utah is one of the best places in the country to live and that the people there are healthier, moral and successful. They are also educated, giving and have bigger and strong families and marriages. Thus declaring Utah as the most depressed state is misleading because it fails to offer possible explanations for such findings and overlooks other statistics that illustrate Utah’s actually got its act together. The bottom line is, don’t believe everything you read unless you have done your homework.

References

Goldman, R. (2008). Two studies find depression widespread in Utah. abcNEWS, Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/story?id=4403731&page=1

Sampling of latter-day saint/utah demographics and. (1999, April 30). Retrieved from http://www.adherents.com/largecom/lds_dem.html

Crafts

2012-01-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to announce that I have posted some pictures of some crafts I made on my "Items for sale" page. Prior to returning to school to get a degree in Counseling, I started an interior design and decorating business called Gentry Aesthetics LLC. While in operation, I also made and sold home & holiday decor of a crafty nature. Although I have since closed this business down, I still have an inventory of items I'd like to eliminate. For a limited time, I will be posting pictures of crafts that are available for sale and I am willing to make sale arrangements via e-mail on any item that appears on this page. All funds collected from the sale of these items will be rolled into my education fund to help offset the costs my schooling has accrued.

Thanks,
C. Lee

Dreams

2011-12-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

Dreams

Have you ever wondered why we dream and if our dreams mean something? In most cases, dreams are based off of our preoccupations of the day. In other words, we generally dream about the things we have been thinking about, worrying about or hoping for. Our “awake thoughts” generate our “sleep thoughts,” even if the sleep thoughts are variations of the awake ones. I'd like to briefly touch upon the generation of dreams, although I do not plan to discuss the scientific aspects of sleep and sleep patterns.

The mind is a really neat thing, and so are dreams. Everything you have ever seen, smelled, heard and felt is stored in your memory. From these memory banks, your mind can pull pieces of this data and combine it with other pieces to form numerous variations based off of mixtures of all of these original sights, smells, feelings and sounds. For example, your mind might take an image of someone else’s nose and place it with someone else’s eyes and essentially create a person that does not really exist. Or, you will see and hear someone exactly as they really are. Your mind has so much material to work with, that it can literally create an alternate reality that you are a part of while you sleep. Just as faces can be combined, so can scenery, places or anything else. The possibilities are endless! Dreams can be very real or fantasy in nature.

Going out on a religious limb: Although most dreams are probably not revelatory or require an interpretation, I do believe some people have the gift of dreams. Joseph of the Old Testament is a prime example of a person who not only had revelatory dreams, but could also interpret his own dreams as well as those of others. We all have gifts, and revelatory dreams and interpretations of dreams are only two possible gifts a person might have. More often than not, people with these gifts have a history of their occurrence in their lives and usually recognize that they have them. In this way, I strongly believe that revelatory dreams and interpretation of dreams are actual gifts that are possessed by people living today. I just can't buy the idea that God only gave these and other spiritual gifts to those who lived in the past. Instead, they are given to all of his children in every generation, but each of us possesses a different mixture of different gifts. Generally, these gifts are bestowed for specific purposes and are not meant to be used at random and/or for random people. They are not given to people for profit and show, but are sacred and help God fulfill his will in the individuals life and for the greater good of mankind. Some people’s dreams are a source of ideas, answers to prayers, etc.

My new son!

2011-11-17T09:58:00.001-08:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been activly posting new articles for my blog. My excuse however, is a valid one. On November 15th, 2011, we welcomed the arrival of our new son Payson Edward Lee. Payson was born at 9:10 pm and weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces. He was 19 inches long. A month later, he and my wife are doing well. I love being a daddy and am so grateful for my wonderful and loving wife and our two sweet little children.

Do you have ADHD?

2011-09-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Do you have ADHD?

For a few years now, I have noticed that more and more people are self diagnosing themselves as having ADHD. Because of this, I’d like to spend a few minutes discussing the different types of ADHD as well as the symptoms associated with each kind.

To begin with, it’s estimated that roughly 15% of the world’s population is afflicted with ADHD. Although ADHD is more commonly associated with children and teens, many adults have been officially diagnosed as having it or think they have it.

ADHD, which stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is now the official name currently being used by the American Psychiatric Association to refer to all the variations of this condition. In this way, claiming to have ADHD can mean one of several things, and unless you are aware of what these things are and which one you have, self diagnosis's can be misleading to others and to oneself.

The first form of ADHD is the inattentive type. It is sometimes represented with the acronym ADHD-I. In times past, this form of ADHD was simply referred to as ADD or attention deficit disorder. The most obvious symptom of ADD is inattentiveness. Generally, the sufferer is not necessarily hyperactive or impulsive though. Instead, those with this version may have a difficult time paying attention, following directions and completing tasks. They also tend to get easily distracted and are disorganized people who lose things and/or are very forgetful. Nearly everyone who has told me that they have ADHD, either doesn't have it at all or has this form of it. This is by far the most common variation of the disorder.

The second type of ADHD is the hyperactive and impulsive type. ADHD-H is sometimes used as the acronym to represent this particular version of the disorder. Individuals diagnosed with this form of ADHD do not usually have attention problems, but they do struggle with hyperactivity and are impulsive. These people may appear as though they can’t sit still, are fidgety and lack a sense of patience. They may also be loud, talk a lot and often seem as though they “speak before they think.” They may even interrupt others frequently. You can almost point out people with this strain of ADHD.

A third type of ADHD is basically the combination of the other two kinds. In other words, people with this form of ADHD are both inattentive and have problems with hyperactivity and impulse control.

A newer term being used these days is Adult ADHD. Most people who are diagnosed as having ADHD first show signs of it when they are a child. When these adults grow up and still possess these symptoms however, they may be defined as having Adult ADHD. This form of ADHD is usually the continuation of the childhood form as apposed to an entirely different strain. Rather than suddenly developing ADHD as an adult, it's more likely that the condition finally got recognized in adulthood after having been overlooked in childhood.

ADHD can be extremely problematic for youth, especially in learning environments. It may also appear to be at the root of defiance. Nevertheless, it's important to note that although ADHD often goes hand in hand with anti-social behavior, it does not actually cause it. Instead, ADHD increases the risks that family, academic and other external problems will develop. Because of this, seeking out a proper diagnosis and obtaining appropriate care is especially important for pre-adolescents and adolescents alike.

This of course, is not a comprehensive or exhaustive explanation of ADHD, nor have we discussed the causes or treatment options. Instead, my intent was to clarify what ADHD is and explain that there are different kinds. If you believe you or your child have ADHD, talk to your doctor about getting tested as well as the different options available to you. You may also want to jump online and take one of the many ADHD diagnostic tests that are available beforehand. Although ADHD is on the rise, don’t assume you have it just because you sometimes feel distracted, spacey and impulsive. If these symptoms are fleeting or can be correlated with stress or a lack of sleep, you might not have ADHD after all. Yet and still, it doesn't hurt to look into the matter if you are concerned.

C. Lee

Does being a parent increase or decrease a person's over all happiness?

2011-08-14T15:30:00.001-07:00

Are parents happier?

Back when I was studying Social Psychology, I was presented with research that indicated that having children diminished marital satisfaction and reduced happiness. This conclusion was based on the added stresses and financial strains having a family placed upon couples. It went on to explain that despite these costs, most parents still attest that their children are a blessing and that they wouldn’t trade the experience for the entire world. Yet and still, I was bothered by the idea that parents are said to be less content than they would have otherwise been had they decided not to have children. It just isn’t true!

As a parent myself, I can readily agree that being a daddy has definitely added new stresses and challenges that were not there before my daughter was born. Nevertheless, and this is important, the presence of unpleasant difficulties is not always an indicator of unhappiness! Instead, they are symptoms of life! If happiness were defined as a state without problems, worries and obstacles, then we could easily conclude that happiness is unattainable. In reality however, happiness is not a destination or a bump free road. Instead, it is a recognition of and appreciation for the many good moments that occur amidst the journey of living!

Being a parent can be very hard though! After all, who doesn’t get frustrated by the inability to pacify a screaming child that has not learned how to adequately verbalize specific wants and needs? But, what parent doesn’t melt when their children say “I love you” or do what’s right? The point is, while parenting may be an uphill battle at times, we participate in it because it’s worth it. The value of the good moments outweighs the bad moments. We do it because despite misleading research, happiness IS found along this particular path. The truth is, parental happiness and the difficulties of parenting are really separate issues. Both occur simultaneously and need not always influence the other.

Prior to being a parent, I did not love as deeply and as completely as I do now. I was also oblivious to the intense joy that accompanies having a child! Are there bad days? Absolutely! But with every new difficulty, there is an added measure of love for our children that qualifies us for the task. Thus, even if life is harder now, it’s not less satisfying by any means. If anything, life has more meaning! We must always recognize that our parental struggles are part of a process that is making a huge difference in a little special person’s life. Likewise, they change us too! Parenthood will carry with it its own unique stresses and challenges, but so do all facets of life. Growing can sometimes be painful, but it’s also really good for us. Children do strain marriages, but studies about divorce predictors show that couples who decide not to have children are at higher risk of divorce than those who start families.

I tend to believe that having children often amplifies the road a marriage is already on. For instance, if your marriage is doing great, children will likely enrich your relationship even more. If your marriage is on thin ice, kids may not necessarily improve the prospects. But we can never be too sure, because some bad marriages are invigorated when children enter the picture. I do caution that having children should not be considered a form of marital therapy!!!!!! It’s best to first stabilize the bonds of marriage before children arrive.

The good news is, recent studies have confirmed that children do in fact increase their parent’s overall happiness. One particular report explained that having children was a good investment that positively correlates to a happier midlife per child. In other words, the more children you have now, the happier you will be 20 years down the road. But be patient, because being a parent is an acclimating process. Brigham Young University has even released findings that indicate that children reduce their parent’s blood pressure! WOW! I’ll just have to remember that the next time Lacey’s throwing one of her huge fits. Either way, parenting is good for us even though the journey isn’t always easy or pleasant. Children can be one of the greatest sources of happiness of all!

Last but not least, it’s important that we acknowledge that this happiness plays heavily upon whether or not parenting began with the right person, at the right place and at the right time! This is a very sensitive issue, but becoming a parent is a huge and extremely sacred responsibility. It is for this reason that I feel that the decision to have children requires wisdom and some degree of planning! Statistically, the risks of eventual separation or divorce skyrocket when children are born to parents who are too young and/or unwed. Parents who have more children than they can realistically support are likewise at risk because their financial strains are compounded. Scripturally, we are commanded to “multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28, 9:1).” On the same token, we are also counseled to “live within our means.” Each couple is different, so whatever the case may be, experiencing a joy that is full will depend upon an appropriate balance that each deems is right for themselves. But yes, children do make their parents happier!

C. Lee

5 Myths & Facts about Divorce

2011-08-09T20:06:00.002-07:00

Myths & Facts about Divorce

1a. Myth: Divorce rates are higher now than ever before.

1b. Fact: The divorce rate has actually gone down a little bit. Divorces were at an all time high in 1980. Although this is great news, the divorce rates are still way too high! Just less than 50% of all marriages will end in either a separation or a divorce. That’s a coin toss, and who wants to gamble their future and happiness? Couples need to familiarize themselves with the common things that strengthen marriages as well as the common things that cause divorce. Educating yourself is a great preventative measure.

2a. Myth: Marriage counseling is a joke and probably will not help us. I do not want to pay someone to tell me what I already know or tell me all the things I’m doing wrong!

2b. Fact: A vast majority of the couples who have divorced reportedly never went to counseling. Moreover, most couples who go to counseling do not end up getting divorced. Counseling has a good tract record when it comes to preventing divorce. Despite how much it can help, marriage counseling is a resource that is definitely underutilized. Those who do still get divorced after counseling have tended to be those who waited too long before they decided to seek outside help. Don’t be one of them! A lot of people avoid counseling because they are embarrassed by it. This is surprising because you would think that a divorce would outweigh embarrassment? Another deterrent against counseling is that people feel it is too expensive. Counseling isn't always cheap, but divorce carries with it many unseen costs that can last a lifetime. Your relationship and counseling are worth every penny! There are lots of good counselors out there who offer services at various prices. Shop around till you find one you like and one you can afford.

3a. Myth: Getting a divorce will be hard at first, but getting away from a bad marriage will be worth it because it will make you happier in the long run.

3b. Fact: Although people do recover from a divorce and often re-marry, statistics have shown that a divorce does not necessarily improve a person’s over-all happiness. If anything, the opposite is true. This is one reason why those who get a divorce are more likely to divorce again. People who decide to get a divorce often overlook and/or underestimate the various costs and potential difficulties that come about because of this huge decision. There are exceptions of course, but one should seriously consider all the repercussions of divorce and weigh them against the costs of trying to fix their current relationship. I want to acknowledged that some divorces are definitely called for. In cases such as these, subsequent marriages can provide much more happiness and satisfaction than previous ones.

4a. Myth: Living together before marriage will help you get to know your partner and is a great way to experience a trial run of the relationship. Those who live together before they get married are better off than those who move in after the wedding date.

4b. Fact: Cohabitation before marriage more than doubles the likelihood that you and your partner will separate or get divorced later! In fact, the shorter you live together before getting married the better. The fact of the matter is, those who exclaim that living together before marriage is a good way to ensure you marry someone you really know or prevent you from marrying someone you really don't know are misinformed. The statistics speak for themselves. These individuals are swimming upstream against a former tradition which has resulted in significantly fewer divorces by far.

5a. Myth: My husband has his friends and I have my friends. Our separate friends are important to our marriage because they help us get a break, relax and get our “me time” fix.

5b. Fact: Having some friend’s of one’s own does no harm, but having only exclusive friendships is very risky for a marriage. Spouses encounter a lot of frustration and experience more difficulties when they have no friends in common. In fact, the more independent friendships couples try to maintain, the more likely they are to divorce. On the flip side however, having more joint friendships increases the probability that a couple will not divorce. It is very healthy for couples to seek out friends together and to find other couples to socialize with. It is ideal when all four of the individuals like each other and consider themselves friends. The benefits associated with couple’s friends are significantly reduced when the husbands only like the husbands and the wives only like the wives.

All of the above information is based off of years of family and marital research and statistics as collectively conducted and produced by the family science community. Please know however, that I recognize that there are always exceptions and that statistics do not guarantee the outcome of any relationship or always account for individual circumstances and factors. My blog is intended to offer information tailored to a general audience.

C. Lee

Assessing Parental Styles

2011-08-08T14:36:00.001-07:00

Parenting Styles

In considering the topic of parenting, I wanted to post an excerpt from my Psy 203 class. It will do a much better job at explaining the information I want to share. I hope you will find it as interesting and helpful as I did.

C. Lee

Dimensions and Styles of Parenting

“Parenting can be described in terms of general dimensions that are like personality traits in that they represent stable aspects of parental behavior-aspects that hold across different situations (Holden & Miller, 1999). When parenting is viewed in this way, two general dimensions of parental behavior emerge. One is the degree of warmth and responsiveness that parents show their children. At one end of the spectrum are parents who are openly warm and affectionate with their children. They are involved with them, respond to their emotional needs, and spend considerable time with them. At the other end of the spectrum are parents who are relatively uninvolved with their children and sometimes even hostile toward them. These parents often seem more focused on their own needs and interests than on those of their children. Warm parents enjoy hearing their children describe the day’s activities; uninvolved or hostile parents aren’t interested, considering it a waste of their time. Warm parents see when their children are upset and try to comfort them; uninvolved or hostile parents pay little attention to their children’s emotional states and invest little effort in comforting them when they’re upset. As you might expect, children benefit from warm and responsive parenting (Petit, Bates, & Dodge, 1997; Zhou et al.,2002).”

“A second general dimension of parental behavior involves control. Some parents are dictatorial: They try to regulate every facet of their children’s lives, like a puppeteer controlling a marionette. At the other extreme are parents who exert little or no control over their children. These children do whatever they want without asking parents first or worrying about their parents’ response. What’s best for children is an intermediate amount of control, when parents set reasonable standards for their children’s behavior, expect their children to meet them, and monitor their children’s behavior (i.e., they also usually know where their children are, what they are doing, and keep tabs on their activities-for example, a mother knows that her 12-year-old is staying after school for choir practice, then going to the library-their children tend to be better adjusted (Kilgore, Snyder, & Lentz, 2000).”

4 Styles of Parenting

“Combining the dimensions of warmth and control produces four prototypic styles of parenting (Baumrind, 1975, 1991).” These four styles of parenting are as follows:

“Authoritarian parenting combines high control with little warmth. These parents lay down the rules and expect them to be followed without discussion. Hard work, respect, and obedience are what authoritarian parents wish to cultivate in their children. There is little give-and-take between parent and child because authoritarian parents do not consider children’s needs and wishes.” This approach tends to enact the old attitude that "children should be seen but not heard." These are the kinds of parents that become too preoccupied with discipline that they can hardley focus on much else. When other parents might be more prone to choose their battles and let kids be kids, authoritarian parents cannot do so.

“Authoritative parenting combines a fair degree of parental control with being warm and responsive to children. Authoritative parents explain rules and encourage discussion.”

“ Permissive parenting offers warmth and caring but little parental control." Permissive parents, also known as indulgent parents, "generally accept their children’s behavior and punish them infrequently.”

“Uninvolved parenting provides neither warmth nor control." Uninvolved parents, also known as indifferent parents "provide for their children’s basic physical and emotional needs," but do or offer little else. "They try to minimize the amount of time spent with their children and avoid becoming emotionally involved with them.”

“Research consistently shows that authoritative parenting is best for most children most of the time. Children with authoritative parents tend to have higher grades and are responsible, self-reliant, and friendly (Amato & Fowler, 2002; Aunola, Stattin, & Nurmi, 2000). In contrast, children with authoritarian parents are often unhappy, have low self-esteem, and frequently are overly aggressive (e.g., Silk et al.,2003).” Parents who use the dictatorial and authoritarian style often boast of their effectiveness and are the first to conclude that the approaches used by other parents are too lenient. They fail to recognize their overuse of negative reinforcement to obtain obedience from their little ones. Children who are subjected to this approach often rebel as teenagers and young adults. In this way, this style of parenting tends to backfire because compliance is generated by fear, leading to numerous psychological problems that may not surface until a child reaches adulthood and/or becomes a parent themselves. “Finally, children with permissive parents are often impulsive and have little self-control, whereas children with uninvolved parents often do poorly in school and are aggressive (Aunola et al., 2000; Barber & Olsen, 1997). Thus, children typically thrive on a parental style that combines control, warmth, and affection.” Parents should especially steer clear of the authoritarian and uninvolved styles as they are the most harmful to a child’s overall well being.

For more information about how to more effectively parent your children, consider checking out or buying the book, Parenting With Love and Logic. It is listed on my recomended reading list.
All quoted material can be found on pages 253-254 of the cited text below.

Kail, & Cavanaugh, . (2009). Human development. United States of America: Cengage Learning.

Maintaining a five to one ratio

2011-08-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

The 5-to-1 ratio

All relationships entail costs and rewards. In fact, much of what we do in our lives is affected by the balances and imbalances that occur between these two factors. For example, we are more motivated to invest our energies, attention and even sacrifice our time or preferences within our relationships when there is a reward involved. If the reward outweighs the cost, we will continue pursing it. When the cost outweighs the reward however, it will lose its luster and investments will generally cease.

Although it might seem primitive to think that we only do things for personal gain, studies confirm that the cost to reward ratio plays heavily in our lives and especially in our close connections with others. Not all rewards are consciously sought though, nor are they the only reason we do things, but in their absence, there’s a huge difference. The point is, reciprocation is an important part of our interactions with others. Relationships and pursuits are not sustainable when they are fruitless. Even our sincerest efforts to make others happy will have to prove somewhat beneficial to us if we are to continue doing it.

When it comes to our relationships with our significant other, we are both the investor and the awarder. In this way, our investment equates to our contributions to the relationship. In response, our partners reciprocate or reward us as they grow closer to us and/or return the favor. Thus, they reward us and we reward them! It’s definitely a two way street, and the balances in connection to the weight everyone is pulling must be maintained.

The rewards we are talking about vary from relationship to relationship and from time to time. They also come in many forms. For instance, they can be physical, emotional, or both. Whatever the case may be, rewards are complex and interwoven. After all, we each have many needs at play in a relationship and so do our partners. It's not a cut and dry science, but you get the idea.

Dr. Willard F. Harler Jr. a nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, marriage counselor and author of the book Love Busters, likens our relationships to economies that include budgets and balances. When we do things that make our partners happy, it is as if we are depositing funds into their personal account. Likewise, we are also capable of draining their account when we do things that hurt them. It becomes our responsibility then, to maintain each other's balance and add to it. With this in mind, I’d like to share with you the principal of the 5 to 1 ratio. It is in fact, the number representation of the cost to reward ratio as mentioned above. In other words, a successful relationship is maintained when the good things we do and say outnumber the bad things we do and say by 5:1.

We’d like to think that our bad behavior and hurtful words carry the same weight as the positive things we do and say. Unfortunately, this is not the case! Many years ago, I saw a cute poster of a little puppy who looked really sad because he had soiled the carpet. In a little cloud above his mind, a caption read, “how come nobody remembers the good things I do, and never forgets the bad things I do?” The truth is, bad is stronger than good.

To better illustrate the point, imagine finding a $50 bill on the ground and there is no one around to claim it. It’s all yours! Does the $50 bill make you happy? Absolutely! On another occasion however, let’s say that instead of finding money, you lose a $50 bill because there was a hole in your pocket. Which situation do you think will have a bigger impact? More often than not, losing the money you already had will affect you greater than gaining the money you didn’t expect to find! This explains why undesirable factors in our relationships make a greater impact than positive elements that are seemingly similar in weight.

The above analogy shows us exactly why we need to make sure we make 5 positive deposits into our relationship’s economy for every 1 negative withdraw. This can also be applied to our verbal exchanges. If you’re going to criticize or nag your partner for something, make sure your counterbalance it with 5 good things to say.

C. Lee

(Intimate Relationships by Miller & Perlman. Quotes, excerpts and concepts from pages 187)

Relationships & Conflict

2011-07-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Relationships & Conflict

Several years ago, I once read about an elderly couple who reportedly had never experienced anything greater than a “minor disagreement” throughout their entire marriage. This story, partially because of who it was about, has always been rather touching to me. Nevertheless, I feel personally obligated to differentiate this example from others as an exception to the norm. For the rest of us, our relationships will likely face more conflict than this and at a greater degree. But that’s okay, as we will soon discuss.

For starters, the story I read was about one of the most prominent and well-loved religious leaders in my particular faith. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind that he was an exceptional man who came to occupy his position in part because he was somewhat different from most people. If anything, they were different! Their story is definitely worth telling however, but not because it is a good measure for the majority of us to compare our own relationships to.

In short, disagreements and even arguments are not only normal, they can sometimes be beneficial. To make this point even clearer, the belief that “disagreements are always destructive” has been identified as one of the many dysfunctional and irrational perspectives that people typically hold about loving marriages? If anything, it's dangerous to equate disagreements as evidence that one’s relationship is flawed. It's simply not true!

Instead, we must remember that it’s not the disagreements that hurt our relationships, but rather the manner in which they are dealt with! Conflict can be a positive element when it is used to “bring problematic issues and incompatibilities into the open, allowing solutions to be sought. And handled well, conflict can defuse situations that would only fester and cause bigger problems later on.”

How then, can we effectively deal with conflict as it occurs? To be honest, this is a very big question and there are many good techniques and strategies that can help. Unfortunately, there’s not enough space to mention them all, so I’ll just focus on offering a generalization.

• The most successful conflict management tool is self-control. This entails being optimistic, avoiding the blame game, staying calm, and mastering your anger!

• Another important strategy is to avoid the tendency to withdraw from the conflict in the first place. Because conflicts are usually unpleasant, we sometimes try to avoid them altogether. This is a bad idea however, because doing so prevents solutions from being discovered. Nevertheless, some conflicts arise at inopportune times, so scheduling a better time to have them is better than not having them at all. (See article about Communication to learn about the re-scheduling concept)

• Staying nice and not being negative is yet another key strategy in dealing with problems. It’s okay to be emotionally aroused, but being verbally hurtful will escalate the situation and may have lasting repercussions that the conflict at hand will not.

• Take a 10 minute time out if your argument begins to get too heated. Some people overemphasize a cooling off period of varying lengths, while others endorse the idea that you should not exit an argument until it is resolved. I suppose this is where the idea that “you should never go to bed angry” comes from. The truth is, the best strategy falls somewhere between these two suggestions. On the one hand, taking too long of a cooling off period, with the exception of going to sleep, is ineffective because it postpones the inevitable. Moreover, people end up mentally re-hashing their ill and unresolved feelings during this time, which may do more irreparable damage. Besides, not ever going to bed when you are upset at your partner is an impractical idea because some issues can’t easily be resolved before fatigue sets in and adds to the mix of existing factors at play. Thus, a 10 minute time-out followed by apologies is the ideal way to return to and resume an argument. Sleeping on it may be the only good exception.

• Last but not least, many marriage counselors will teach their clients how to use what is known as the speaker-listener technique. This method outlines that couples should identify an object for which they can use as a way of signifying who has the floor in an argument. The individual who’s currently holding the object is the one who is allowed to speak. The other individual should be actively listening. Each should take turns speaking while effectively using the rephrasing technique and I-statements. (See article on Communication to learn about re-phrasing and I-statements)

In the words of marriage expert John Gottman, I conclude by saying, “try not to avoid conflict.” Focus on managing and appropriately handling it as opposed to running from it. If couples will genuinely listen to one another even if they don’t always agree, their relationship will be all the better for it!

C. Lee

(Intimate Relationships by Miller & Perlman. Quotes, Excerpts and concepts from pages 120, 354, 355)

Does love last? Concluding Statements!

2011-07-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Will love last?
“We fell out of love,” is a very common concluding statement. But what does this really mean, and can such a tragic end be prevented? Does love last?

In my personal opinion, this statement is as bad as, “we just grew apart," or “we have nothing in common.” The problem is; all of these sentences are misleading because they may only be the result and indication of these people’s misconceptions about love.

For starters, falling in love is a process that involves work. Even though a developing relationship seems so effortless at first, the closeness new couples come to find is largely a consequence of their efforts to get to know one another. Better put, self-disclosing communication is often at its highest point in this stage. Couples at this point are usually eager to know and share everything there is to discover about one another. The key is, they’re genuinely interested in one another, which is why they are excited to find out what they don't already know! As Miller and Perlman of the text Intimate Relationships puts it, “novelty adds excitement and energy to new loves.”

The truth is, love is a very complicated matter which is influenced by a number of complex factors that all interact with one another. Robert Sternberg, an American psychologist and psychometrician and Provost at Oklahoma State University, proposed what is now known as The Triangular Theory of Love. In it, Sternberg suggests that there are three main components that collectively make up what we know as love. More specifically, that love is a triangle made up of the three side’s intimacy, passion and commitment. He also explained that these three aspects vary in amounts from one another and from relationship to relationship. Thus, there are an infinite amount of triangles varying in size and shape. Likewise, each relationship has strengths and weaknesses depending upon which factors are emphasized or de-emphasized. Another important fact is that Love changes over time, so that “the love that encourages people to marry is not the love that keeps them together decades later (Miller & Perlman 270).”

With this in mind, couples who feel they have fallen out of love may have simply experienced a cooling of their passion as apposed to their love actually being dead. In fact, of the three components listed by Sternberg, “passion is assumed to be the most variable by far (Miller & Perlman 251)”. In other words, while passion is likely to be a strong element in the early stages of most relationships, it generally fades with time as well. It may even be considered a completely normal phenomenon. Even though this might sound disappointing, there is much to be said about companionate love. As you might have guessed, this type of love is created when intimacy and commitment combine. “This type of love is epitomized by a long, happy marriage in which the couple’s youthful passion has gradually died down (page 250).” It is also the most common type of love! These portrayals and theories about love are helpful, but they are not all encompassing of the myriad of factors and influences that comprise and affect love.

To keep this article as concise as possible, there is a great deal of helpful information that will have to be presented at a later date and in subsequent articles. Nevertheless, there are a few tid bits of information that can help us safely steer our relationships through the inevitably changing tides mentioned above?

Just as falling in love is about working at getting to know one another, so is staying in love! I know that this is not always the case, but the word “fell” in both the statements “we fell in love” and “we fell out of love” are often descriptors that point to what is or is not happening in that relationship! Please keep in mind that I am talking about relationships that end passively and without serious or obvious provocation. It is my intention to explain that relationships do not naturally end. Relationships definitely change, but it is our choice to end them! The motivation to end a relationship may be because they are either coerced to destruction because of overwhelming issues, or subtly annihilated in small and simple steps. For example, it’s easy to recognize that infidelity or abuse destroys relationships. But what of the couples splitting even though their relationship has not been jarred by some sort of infraction? How can these relationships be spared?

“We have nothing in common” is yet another one of those really odd remarks. After all, every person in the whole world is a stranger to us when we first meet them! In other words, we have nothing in common with anyone until we take time to actually find out what we have in common with them. Sounds so obvious, but it clearly needed to be said. No matter how right or wrong someone is for us, we cannot definitively conclude this unless we actually get to know them. In this way, finding common ground is an exploratory process that is applicable to all forms of human interaction. Commonalities or similarities aren’t always obvious, so many of them will need to be discovered! Thus, declaring you have nothing in common with someone is a huge generalization and overlooks all that is unknown about another person. When we enter a relationship, we should never stop trying to get to know one another and we should continuously do things that will help us find more and more shared interests. This will enable our older relationships to similarly benefit from the sharing that is common among new couples. Sharing breeds closeness, and likewise increases the novelty factor.

The neat thing about commonalities is that they can be manufactured. Opportunities can be sought or even constructed. This tells me that just about anyone can have something in common with another person so long as they are willing to seek it out. For instance, my wife and I both love to eat. Even though this alone is something we have in common, there are countless things she and I can try together that will lead us to eventually finding dishes we will both love. The same could be true of movies, books and anything else. Being open to try new things together is a secret key. This will not only help you learn more about one another and find your common ground, but it will be the basis of many of your relationship’s memories. What’s more, memories in and of themselves can become something two people have in common! My siblings and I seem to always grow closer as we laugh about the past. We especially laugh about the skirmishes we sometimes had with each other. This tells me that even bad moments can be beneficial and very humorous when they are viewed in hind sight.

If you find that you have nothing in common with someone, it’s possible you're focusing too much on your differences. You might have better success at discovering new things you both like as apposed to trying to get your partner to like all of your existing preferences. The journey is limitless and could be really fun! You’d be surprised what you might find. My wife and I are extremely different from one another even though we are also a lot alike. Our differences make us a greater whole. Our similarities allow us to relate. Just when I think I really know her, she surprises me. This keeps things interesting.

C. Lee

Communication & Technology

2011-07-05T16:08:00.001-07:00

Technology and relationships
Ah technology! Where would our lives be without it? Nearly everything we do and almost everything we know uses or was produced because of technology. We have become very dependant upon it, maybe even addicted to it? But this isn't always a bad thing though, because there are a lot of technological advances that have improved our lives. The field of medicine is a prime example of this. Seeing that technology can and does impact our relationships with other people, I’d like to touch upon it.

To begin with, I need to confess that I can be just as guilty as the next person when it comes to overusing and being distracted by gadgets and gizmos. Heck, the fact that I write this blog when I could probably be doing things of higher priority is evidence of that. Maybe now I can be more convincing when I say that this article is not meant to be preachy! Nevertheless, its still an important subject that needs to be discussed. I only apologize that I do some venting as well. Brace yourselves!

Communication devices have not only evolved so as to allow man the ability to interact with anyone at any location, we can also simultaneously interact with more people at once than ever before. After all, if you don't have a gazillion friends on your facebook account, you're a nobody! But seriously, why the need to hand over more of our precious attention to individuals who would otherwise be of little importance in our lives? The technology behind all this is definitely amazing, but when the mass socializing amongst people we once knew detracts from real and meaningful communication and interaction, its a problem!

The most obvious concern is that while more and more people are communicating with one another, there has been a significant decrease in the quality of these interactions. It’s the classic battle between quality vs. quantity. More is not always better, especially when it comes to things that drown out or overwhelm relationships. Unfortunately, we are seeing an era where face to face interaction is being threatened and we are only beginning to realize the consequences of it. For example, it seems as though today’s youth and young adults do not posses as many in-person social skills as their predecessors, not to mention the attack e-mailing, instant messaging and texting has waged on people’s grammatical skills. Virtual reality is doing a number on actual reality. Research on this issue is more hopeful than I am however, and suggests that non-face-to-face modes of communications can actually be beneficial and do not have a negative affect on users so long as these forms of interaction are supplemental to actual interaction. If they replace physical interaction on the other hand, my worries stand legitimate.
While the above repercussions are worth contemplation, my biggest worries stem from the behaviors I'm witnessing with those I still manage to interact with face to face. For instance, its getting harder and harder to have an uninterrupted conversation with just about anyone. I can handle a conversation getting derailed because my kid or someone else's barged in and needs attention. What I'm not as understanding about is when the other person keeps receiving and then taking calls and texts while I'm supposed to twiddle my thumbs! And how many times am I going to get put on hold while someone I’m on a phone call with needs to take another call? 15-20 years ago, taking a call or reading a message from someone else while in the presence of a guest was rude! Some calls and texts are important enough to be received right when they come. Most however, are not. I know this sounds like I’m being a crabby fuddy-duddy, but when I’m already talking to someone or giving them my attention, I feel other’s can usually wait. I guess I expect the same in return!

The degree to which this is a problem varies from person to person. Taking an important call now and again or receiving a text and reading a few in the presence of others does not automatically classify someone as being rude. However, some people stare at their phone or talk on it more than they are looking at or talking to those who are physically with them at the time. This is a-social! However common such a scene is, it isn’t normal or appropriate by any means. It used to be that I only got put on hold when I was on the phone with a business. Its frustrating!

When it comes to our friendships and relationships with our significant other, quality has to win the battle against quantity! We may feel we are an award winning multi-tasker who can mingle, text, talk on the phone and browse all at the same time. In the real world however, giving out little pieces of our attention to everyone will never compare to giving our undivided attention to someone right now. It might appear that these forms of communication helped us to get a lot done, but we may have actually hurt someone's feelings instead. In this way, devices meant to enhance communication ended up hurting it. The point is, our interactions with those who really matter need to be meaningful and can’t constantly be interrupted, paused or put on hold while we attend to those who don’t matter as much. In conclusion, I have created a list of do’s and don’ts to comprise my communication educate rant. Enjoy!

• Do try to interact and communicate with those who are important to you by physically spending time with them. Use non face to face forms of communication as a means for promoting subsequent face to face encounters.

• Don’t take calls while you are with others unless absolutely necessary. It is a form of placing those whom you are with on hold and it isn’t fun to sit and wait for someone to get off the phone.

• Don’t put people on hold when you are on the phone with them unless you are expecting a call from someone else. Answering machines and voice mail were invented for a reason.

• Don’t constantly stare at your phone and read or write texts when you are with others. It is especially rude when you break your focus to do so when someone is in the middle of talking to you.

• Do try to put your communication devices away so that you can more effectively communicate with those you are physically with. If the people in your presence have better luck communicating with you by texting you while sitting next to you, something is wrong!

C. Lee

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-21T23:53:00.002-07:00

Father's Day
Although I didn’t get to post on June 19th, I wanted to be sure and wish all my male readers a Happy Father’s Day! Most of you can relate, but being a daddy has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. Word’s cannot express how much I love my little girl and how much happiness and joy she brings into my heart on a daily basis. Prior to our daughter’s birth, I worried and wondered about what kind of father I would be. I feared whether or not I’d be able to financially provide for a family and pondered about my abilities to offer them the emotional and spiritual guidance and support they would want and need. After all, I was just me! Things haven’t been perfect, nor am I, but despite there being some hard days, each and every one is and has been worth it. Had I decided never to have children, I wouldn’t know how complete being a dad has made me feel. There would be so much I would be missing out on. Being a dad is a sacred privilege to me.

I am saddened that society and modern trends have downplayed the importance of a father’s role in the home. It is for this reason that I want to reiterate that both fathers and mothers are essential factors as it relates to the overall development and well being of children. Studies confirm this, despite what some purport. I recognize that this is an ideal that is not always offered to every family. I am not suggesting that a family is not valid when special circumstances prevent a father figure from being present. We all have to do the best we can despite our individual circumstances and challenges. Nevertheless, dads are important and we should honor them! Father’s Day is also about manhood as well. Let us give thanks to the men and fathers in our lives! Many of these men bare the weight of the world on their shoulders and sacrifice a lot so as to ensure the safety and well being of their families. Let us not forget to also recognize our brothers, sons, uncles, husbands, and any other man who has influenced your life for the better.

C. Lee

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-07T23:39:00.001-07:00

Mother's Day
Mother's Day is first and foremost a tribute to all of the mothers in each of our lives. It is however, also about womanhood. Let us not forget to honor our mothers, mother-in-laws, grandmothers, wives, sisters, daughters, aunts and any other woman who deserves our gratitude. Mother or not, they are each special and should all be recognized and reminded of their importance and great worth.

I'd like to personally thank my wife for being the kind of mother my little girl needs. I count my blessings that my children will have her and always be nurtured by someone who will never steer them wrong. I love how I see my sweet wife's face when I'm looking at my little girl. They look so much like one another. It just reminds me of how lucky I am to have these two beautiful ladies in my life. This is also a very special mother's day for us because this year, my wife is carrying our second child! We are really excited!

Mother's Day is also a time when I reflect upon my own mother. She passed away 4 years ago and I miss her everyday. So much of who I am is because of the amazing person she was. Somehow, I know she is watching over us and is still an influence in our lives. I imagine that she lovingly helping to send us our children from the other side and I am comforted to think that she possibly gets to know them before they arrive here.

Have a great Mother's Day everyone.

C. Lee

Emotions and facial expressions

2011-03-15T11:20:00.001-07:00

Emotions
Researchers used to believe that the smiles and frowns on our faces were outward expressions that were triggered by our internal emotions. This theory outlined that external stimuli affected our inner emotions which in turn produced the expressions shown on the outside. Recent findings on the other hand, have actually proven that the exact opposite is true. In other words, our internal emotional state is the reflection of our smiles or frowns. In layman’s terms, our faces respond to outside stimuli and thus trigger our internal emotions.

If this is right, the old adage that smiling will actually make you feel happier is true. Likewise, frowning will make you feel sadder. Somehow, the muscle positions in our faces literally send signals to our brains and help cause our emotional status. To study this phenomenon, researchers had several volunteers hold pencils with their mouths. The first half of this group were asked to position the pencil in their teeth. The remaining subjects were asked to hold the pencil in their lips. Interestingly, they found that by holding the pencil in your teeth, your muscles position in a manner that is similar to a smile. By holding the pencil in your lips, your facial muscles resemble a frown. Consequently, holding the pencil in ones teeth made the participants feel happier whereas those who held it in their lips felt sadder.

Have you ever tried to cheer up an upset child? If so, you may have noticed that their first inclination is to resist smiling in response to the things you are doing to make them happier. You may have also noticed that as soon as that smile finally appeared, half the battle was over. Their emotional status really started to change.

Emotions are obviously a lot more complex than simply manipulating your face muscles so as to feel better. Nevertheless, do not discount the power of a smile! If you can’t force yourself to smile, you can always try the pencil trick. I however, would highly recommend that people seek out things that will make them smile. This is why comedy is so therapeutic!

C. Lee

Selfishness

2011-03-08T17:32:00.002-08:00

Selfishness
Research shows that humans are naturally selfish creatures. While this might initially sound like a slam on our kind, social psychologists have determined that such tendencies have enabled the survival of man throughout the ages. In fact, taking care of ones self isn’t always a bad thing; especially because each of us really do have important needs that have to be met. Yet and still, society frowns on some selfish spawned behaviors, and many of them can reek havoc on our social lives and the relationships we’ve formed.

From a religious perspective, I believe that the natural man is an enemy to God. In other words, mankind has weaknesses that have to be overcome. We have cravings and behaviors that aren’t exactly in sync with what it is God would have us do. Yielding to God’s will often requires that we overcome our own will and wants when they are contrary to what’s best for us spiritually.

From a secular point of view, man does not naturally conform to societal norms. If left unchecked, we might all be prone to do things that would not meet the approval of our fellow man. Socially, we are each aware of a number of behaviors that are either acceptable or unacceptable. Unacceptable actions, though sometimes prompted by the natural man, can render us alone and rejected.

In this way, we can see that our natural selfishness can be detrimental to us socially and/or spiritually. Fortunately, there is also a natural remedy. It is called parenthood! Because our children cannot fend for themselves, we as parents must provide nearly all their needs, wants and wishes. At first, we must literally do everything for them. Their survival depends on it.

Selfishness may not seem like an appropriate word to describe the helplessness of young children, but it is a natural condition that is meant to aid us in overcoming selfishness. Thus, the natural cycle of man creates a fight with fire against fire. As we sacrifice our own wants and needs for the sake of our children, we are continually refined and our natural selfishness is diminished.

Hopefully, we will have been working on overcoming selfishness long before we become parents. Additionally, parenthood is not experienced by everyone and is obviously not the only method in life for refining us. Another great way to reign in self-centered tendencies is to do service. Service to others is unique in that it actually benefits you and those you are reaching out to. In fact, psychologists have identified service as being one of the very few methods that actually helps people increase their happiness levels. The scriptures and religious leaders have been telling us this forever! Its nice to see that science is catching up and confirming it.

Speaking of parenthood, the show Parenthood is amazing. I really enjoy it and look forward to it every week. I highly recommend it as it exposes people to numerous examples of conflict and resolution amidst a large family.

Sincerely,
C. Lee

2011-03-08T17:31:00.001-08:00

Marriage Counseling

2010-11-28T13:16:00.002-08:00

Going to counseling
If you’re like most people, the thought of having to go to marriage counseling can be extremely frightening. Though very normal, perhaps your apprehension stems from the many unknowns about the counseling experience, or what you believe needing a counselor somehow signifies about you and your relationship? Whatever the case may be, we can credit the many stereotypes and misconceptions associated with marriage counseling as the culprit for such fears. So who is marriage counseling for anyway, and should you and your spouse go?

For starters, people tend to believe that counseling is a last resort and reserved for only those with serious problems. This idea however, isn't completely accurate. While it is true that those with significant issues are more obvious candidates for counseling, a lot could be gained if those with healthy relationships attended therapy sessions as well. Instead of asking whether or not one's relationship is bad enough to in some way qualify them for counseling, more people ought to go to counseling so that their relationships never even gets bad to begin with. A counselor might be able to help individuals save a failing marriage, but think about how much more effective it would be for couples to see a counselor as a means of maintaining their good relationships? In this way, we could think of counseling as damage prevention, instead of a restorative attempt.

Somewhat similar to the concept mentioned above, many people feel that going to a counselor means that they and their marriage have already failed! This sentiment is especially prevalent among men. The reason for this is because men more commonly occupy the fixer role, but the idea of being unable to repair one’s own problems can be quite troubling to anyone. What’s worse, some individuals will take their spouse’s desire to go to counseling very personally, and receive it as an all encompassing declaration that everything, including them, is entirely screwed up. They therefore, might assume that their problems are too complicated to fix and/or fear divorce is inevitable. After all, society's still hanging on to that old stereotype that only bad marriages need a counselor! Consequently, some people give up in defeat and let their relationships die without ever examining outside solutions. This is the very reason why its important for people to know the truth about the counseling experience and who it's there for. Counseling is a great idea for any relationship at any stage. Even though its best to correct hiccups when they're still small, its never too late to seek outside assistance.

I might be biased, but I am saddened every time I hear about a couple who has split up without ever having gone to see a counselor first. Most of us are willing to pay a dentist to save our teeth, but it surprises me how reluctant people are to pay a professional whose job it is to help save our relationships. Not to mention that there are a lot of companies who cover counseling costs as an employee benefit, and just as many churches which will offer or cover counseling for their members. Are not our relationships more important than our teeth? As for me, I’d personally be willing to do a little pro bono work for those who truly need my help but couldn’t afford it. Marriages and families are worth saving! Don't you agree?

If you’re not sure whether or not you and/or your relationship are in need of counseling, allow me to reassure you that most people and just about every relationship could benefit from a little extra help now and again. You may not need assistance today, but don't avoid going to a counselor in the future simply because of the cost, the unknowns, embarrassment and/or the fear of being labeled. In all honesty, I wish every marriage came packaged with a lifetime membership to the local counseling office. Maybe then we could reduce the high divorce rate, strengthen families and subsequently curb many of the other problems that exist in our society as a direct result of broken homes. Take my word for it, counseling isn’t for crazies! The only thing crazy is that people are so afraid to get help that they are missing out on something that could quite possibly change their lives for the better. Counseling is for everyone! Best of all, I absolutely love how counseling often helps couples realize how normal their relationships actually are and how common their problems tend to be.

Many of the stereotypes as well as the negative stigma associated with counseling simply isn't true! These inaccurate beliefs and misconceptions are reminiscent of days past or stem from Hollywood’s portrayal of psych patients, that awkward couch and the over analyzing shrink. I promise you, seeing a counselor is much more like a visit to the kind of general practitioner who is also a very knowledgeable friend that is great at listening and giving advice. And forget about worrying that your counselor is going to identify with your spouse and team up with them against you. Its not about finding a defective person in the relationship. Counselors are professionally trained to mediate instead of taking sides, and they are great at helping couples see and understand every one's perspective. If anything, much is accomplished by exploiting common ground.

With all of that said, it is my hope that more people will be open minded about counseling and give it a try the next time they think such is called for. As mentioned above, don't wait for things to get bad before making an appointment. It may very well be the best date you and your relationship has seen in a long time.

C. Lee

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T18:01:00.000-08:00

The real issues!

2010-11-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

Despite my strong political convictions, I have always put forth my best efforts to avoid alienating any of my readers by endorsing specific candidates and/or offering personal input on hot platform issues. Nevertheless, the current political climate and the ensuing battle between the Republican and Democrat parties highly affects each of you, and therefore warrant’s my opinion on a few matters. It is for this reason that I have posted a list of the most divisive issues facing us today and hereby call upon each of you to examine this criterion and pick your sides. And yes, there are right and wrong answers!

Relish vs. Sweet Relish
Mayonnaise vs. Miracle Whip
Twizzlers vs. Red Vines
Doughnuts vs. Crispy Crème Doughnuts
Mustard based Potato Salad vs. Potato Salad
Mr. Pibb vs. Dr. Pepper
Chevy vs. Ford
Chocolate vs. Dark Chocolate
Modern Design vs. Traditional Design
Thanksgiving's a lunch vs. Thanksgiving's a dinner

Please note that shirts depicting or advertising any of the above items will be prohibited from all polling places.

C. Lee

Spanking...is it right for my child?

2010-09-13T17:47:00.001-07:00

Spanking your children
Whether or not spanking your child is an acceptable practice is no doubt a very controversial issue. In fact, one can easily find experts to support both sides of this argument and just as many experienced parents who favor one of each of the differing approaches. As a parent with a daughter under the age of two, I myself have questioned what is best and have occasionally discussed how my wife and I are going to discipline our children. I have even wondered whether or not spanking is an antiquated measure and if it needs to be replaced by time-outs and other diplomatic and modern tactics.

In an attempt to be better informed, both my wife and I conducted a simple poll to obtain as much feedback about spanking as possible. Nevertheless, we tried very hard not to influence the outcome or to hint at our current positions on the matter. Though our study is still on going, I’d like to share with you some of the results of my poll.

Seeking out only the most reputable individuals at my place of work and/or in my personal life, my results are based off of the answers received from approximately 25 people. This group consisted of 14 women and 11 men. 10 of the women and 5 of the men were over the age of 50. 2 Women and one of the men were under the age of 30. Approximately 75% of the individuals asked had at least 3 children, and 99% of those polled had at least one child.

Out of the entire group of 25, 6 individuals expressed opposition to spanking. 19 individuals favored spanking. Of the 6 who were against it, one was still single and did not have any children. Two had been abused as children, and another individual had 3 special needs children. The remaining two parents who preferred alternatives to spanking felt that such an approach only taught their children to hit and/or was ineffective.

Nearly all of the 19 individuals who favored spanking reported that it should only be used as a last resort. 16 members of this group expressed that time-outs had failed at times and that an infrequent swat on the bottom was sometimes necessary to get their child’s attention or was appropriate when their child’s behavior posed a risk to him or others. One individual confided that she had been abused as a child and was initially opposed to spanking. After having children however, she expressed that spanking was sometimes necessary and that it hurt her to do it more than it ever hurt her children. This particular group had much more to say than I can list here, but I think their position has been made clear.

No matter what side of the issue they were standing on, I want to thank all of my participants for their feedback and likewise let them know that their input was greatly valued, appreciated and has truly helped me as I have been formulating my own opinions. ABC also conducted a similar poll and posted that 65% of American’s approve of spanking children. Their poll accompanied an article which presented two parenting experts. One was in favor of spanking, the other was not.

Click Here to continue reading the full article.
C. Lee

Gossip

2010-04-27T15:51:00.001-07:00

Gossip
Gossip is one of the most destructive forms of communication. Much like an off shore oil spill, it swells quickly and engulfs beauty and life wherever it flows. Though possible, its containment can be extremely difficult to achieve. Yet no matter how painstaking and thorough, cleaning a mess such as this can't always restore what was damaged by this kind of poisonous breach.

Gossip launches a unique and tricky assault, employing a network of behind the back tactics and half hearted vows of secrecy. From one source to the next, gossip often entails labels, lies, judgments, negative opinions and/or accusations that spread like wildfire before the targeted victim ever even knows what hit them. Hence, gossip robs its prey from offering a defense, which at this point, wouldn't likely be effective anyway. It is truly a ruthless practice which devours helpless individuals and also relationships.

Despite its viciousness, gossip is repeatedly born as a byproduct of our more innocent nature to simply be entertained by interesting topics. It can even be spawned while obtaining updates and news about people you know. Nevertheless, gossip is sometimes initiated by someone who intends to inflict harm or by someone who seeks to substantiate their own opinion at the expense of another’s loss. Sadly, the content of gossip often provides enough of a shock factor for it to generate interest. Even worse, those in the audience frequently further the damage by becoming the next story tellers themselves.

Gossip can be so two faced; occupying both the role of friend here, and verbal foe there. As such, gossip is a genuine form of betrayal. About this, I'd like to interject a word of caution. Those who offer you your daily trash talk about others, are highly suspect of doing the same about you! Believe me, I've seen my share of friendships end because of what a middleman gossiper has been carrying back and forth.

When I think of gossip, my first thought is an image of Junior high school aged students who are privately mocking an outcast. I can likewise imagine the fought giggles and the sudden hush that would occur if the victim in topic where to walk into the scene. Although this is an appropriate example of gossip in that particular setting, I’d like to make it more applicable to my blog and all of you.

Not only has gossip been known to facilitate rumors and unfairly annihilate the good reputations of random individuals, it can also reek havoc within families. Gossip is always a negative thing, but when it occurs between family members, it involves additional violations of basic loyalties and trust. It can sever ties and pin a divided family against one another.

It should be obvious that husbands and wives should never gossip about one another with their parents, siblings, children, friends, acquaintances and/or co-workers. In this case, gossip typically takes the form of venting and complaining. We all need someone to talk to at times, but I have seldom if ever seen a marriage helped by telling friends and family what bothers you about your relationship or partner. Even if it is advice about how to fix things that is being sought, such an approach frequently aggravates problems and magnifies ailing perspectives. When couples marry, there are many fundamental principles to learn and follow that relate to what is and isn’t appropriate to disclose to those outside of the marriage. In any case, couples should continually ask themselves whether or not divulging information about one’s spouse is helping or hurting them and the marriage. If you aren't saying something nice, its possible your just gossiping.

Even problem solving within a marriage will more often than not be best handled by a couple's own independent efforts. When outside help is actually needed, I recommend using church leaders and/or counselors. The point is, you need to choose someone who can impartially mediate and who is qualified enough to effectively help. Turning to friends and family may afford you initial comfort and sympathy, but they may end up taking sides that ignite new problems and tensions in the long run. Moreover, counsel based on a one sided presentation is inadequate and could solidify your stance on the wrong side of an issue. Not to mention that it can be pretty darn tempting to name drop names and the advice they gave you as ammo during disagreements. Don't let gossip take the guise as an outreach for understanding and assistance. (I plan to write more about the content of this and the previous paragraph in greater detail some time in the future)

Another form of family gossip is that which occurs between married siblings and their spouses. In fact, this may very well be the most common form of family gossip and should be shunned like the plague. Although it can sometimes be very easy to identify their mistakes and become critical about how your siblings and their spouses raise their children or spend money, think twice before you share these opinions with anyone other than your spouse! Don’t become guilty of gossip. Chances are, what gets said in confidence, typically finds its way to the one being targeted. This can stir the pot and instigate a very bad cycle that will harm our relationships with those who matter most. Our family members should be our greatest allies.

I recognize that there are some special circumstances which justly call for discussions between family members who are worried about an individual who may not be present at the time. Brainstorming and problem solving is not always gossip. There is a fine line however, between these circumstances and gossip. Just be wise and very careful.

As a rule of thumb, gossip could easily be labeled as anything that you would not say in front of the person whom you are discussing. Unfortunately, gossip can become such an entrenched habit that we fail to recognize it when we are doing it. This is why I recommend that families work together to nip it in the bud by ensuring that no one perpetuates or entertains gossip in any of its forms. Establish an understanding within your family that loyalty and trust are extremely important and that everyone has an obligation to defend one another and especially those who are absent. Make a pact that enlists the cooperation of all family members in the fight against gossip. If you will, I know your families will be greatly benefited. To learn of ways to elliminate gossip in your life and in your family, click here.

C. Lee

Lobbying for Hobbying

2010-04-14T20:10:00.003-07:00

Hobbies are healthy
We have all heard the saying “idleness is the devil’s playground,” but with how busy people are these days, this would hardly seem like an issue worth mentioning. Interestingly, being too busy or not busy enough can both lead to a number of the same problems. Not only is idleness a common symptom of depression, it can lead to depression. Likewise, carrying a heavy load and always being on the run is a great way to catch the stress and anxiety bug. Would'nt you know it; stress and anxiety cause and are byproducts of depression as well. Yikes! Thankfully, there just so happens to be a successful remedy which can help ease both the ailments brought on by idleness as well as the strains associated with being overwhelmed.

Curing idleness requires one to get up and do something. Treating a busy life on the other hand, often entails some scaling back and the implementation of relaxing and pleasurable pursuits. For these reasons, might I suggest that you make room for a hobby? An enjoyable hobby can employ the idle while also offering escape from the busy body's hectic routine.

Prior to becoming a stay at home mom, Mrs. Lee, "aka" my wife, was a high school history teacher. For those of you familiar with the profession, this meant that Cassie experienced being swamped with lessons plans and grading during the school year, and struggled with boredom throughout the summer. For the longest time, I used to tease my wife about the need for her to pick up a hobby. In response to my propositions, she’s quick to remind me that she's not crafty nor into those sorts of things. As I have thought about this and what other hobbies might interest her, I have come to realize that a hobby can be just about anything that makes an individual happy. After all, the purpose of the hobby is to provide some kind of personal refuge. When you come right down to it then, Cassie actually has more hobbies than I do! In fact, some of hers include reading, face booking, e-mailing, and lest we forget, phone talking. The point is, these things offer my wife a venue for doing something she loves. At the same time, its how she unwinds before jumping back into motherhood and putting up with me!

Over the past five years, I too have found some new hobbies. One of these, as pictured within this post, is baking! I’d like to report that I'm dishing out full course meals like a genuine chef, but my skills have actually been centered on deserts, pastries and candies. Unfortunately, eating these delightful masterpieces has also become an accompanying hobby. The thing is, I'm happy when I'm baking! I receive great joy when others enjoy my baking too! I told my wife the other day that maybe I'll open a small bakery/bookstore in the lobby of my counseling practice. This way, clients can buy my books or recommended readings while enjoying a few treats designed to make them smile. Chocolate therapy can go along way!

Well if you haven’t already, find a hobby or start another one! We all need some down time or something fun to engage ourselves in. Good luck and take care!

C. Lee
(The pictures are of my homemade English Toffee & Old Fashioned Caramels) And yes, I do share recipes.

Meet me at the crossroads.

2010-04-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

Meeting at marriage’s crossroads
On Tuesday evening, my wife and one year old daughter flew out of town to help babysit my brother's kids while he and his wife were away. As I hugged and kissed the two of them farewell, tears began to well up in my eyes and I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I can still see the image of my baby girl looking for me as that little sweet face of hers peered over her mommy's shoulder. Just as they were almost too far away, Lacey finally spotted me and waved goodbye. I miss both of them very much! Though their trip is a short one which ends tomorrow, this was an especially hard parting for me since it was the first between my little girl and I. Our moments at the airport were very precious, and constitute an important crossroad.

Throughout life, there are many crossroads to be encountered with our loved ones. Some occur daily, while others are less frequent. All however, are important! The term crossroad has typically been used when referring to new challenges, decisions, large events, and sometimes even initial impasses. My use of the term crossroads on the other hand, is an echo of those who refer to all and any of the times we enter and exit one another’s daily lives. Because many types of crossroads are traveled through regularly, they can sometimes seem like a routine that doesn’t carry with it any significance in our relationships. On the contrary, being there for one another and meeting at life’s crossroads is yet again another one of the little things that can enhance the quality of our ties with our spouses and children.

To a world and a people who are ever becoming more and more independent, I’d like to urge some practices that contradict many notions offered elsewhere. Families are the glue that holds our society together. Thus, it becomes our patriotic duty to strengthen marriages and parent/child relationships. There are so many noble ways to achieve this; I simply hope that the following suggestions can be a part of the solution. I encourage families everywhere to diligently try to meet at all crossroads as often as possible. If your family is able, I recommend that at least one parent send off and greet children while they attend school. I also highly encourage that couples arrange their schedule to enable them to greet one another at the end of a work day. There are probably a million good reasons why a working spouse might temporarily come home to an empty house. None are as great as the benefits gained from being embraced at the doorway! Besides, errands can be tended to before and after these crossroads occur. If you simply can’t be there, leave a note and rain check the family meet and greet.

I understand that many things discussed here are about ideals. There are always exceptions and sometimes even the greatest of ideals can be adequately replaced with one’s best effort to simply do the best that they can.

C.Lee

Having a baby takes faith!

2010-03-31T11:09:00.001-07:00

Faith and having a baby
About two years ago, my wife's biological clock came in conflict with my beloved sense of financial security. We were doing relatively well at the time, had little debt, and even enjoyed some discretionary funds. Though I wanted children, it was always something to be looked forward to sometime in the future. To my wife, that someday had arrived!

For those of you who know my wife, and many of you do, you'll agree with me when I say she's a smart cookie. Extremely fun and comedic, but muy inteligente. Anticipating my every excuse and tendency to continue procrastinating, Cass armed herself with all the reasons why waiting to start our family wasn't a good plan any more. This arsenal ranged from the testimonials of other mothers, some publications put out by our church and other general statistics. I had always been secretly outranked in our marriage, but on this topic, I was now completely out read as well. I had no defense.

Mathematically, our budget simply didn't support the notion. Having a baby would mean one income; mine! Not to mention that the country was also on the verge of an economic meltdown and my design and decorating business was already starved for customers who could no longer afford the luxury of making their houses look like museums. The fact of the matter was, though my wife had convinced me that beginning our family was the right thing to do, I could not for the life of me figure out how we wouldn't lose our home with the decreased income and added expenses. This is where perspective and priorities comes to play. Let's be frank, I was afraid to have a baby because it didn't appear to be in our financial stability’s best interest.

Nine or so months later, as I first gazed upon my daughter for the very first time, the fact that we had made the right decision was once again reconfirmed. I'd like to paraphrase what I wrote on our family blog after that special occasion. "Throughout my entire life, all of the relationships I had previously experienced had taken time and effort to develop. These relationships began as first encounters, acquaintances, and friendships, which eventually grew and intensified until love had taken root in my heart. Seeing my daughter for the first time however, abolished such processes and broke the records. My heart grew in an instant, and I immediately fell in love with this supposed little stranger. This intense emotion was unlike anything I had ever felt before. It really was love at first sight; a concept I hardly believed in beforehand. I was now a parent. A father! Joy radiated throughout my entire being."

Without going into great detail, the day my daughter was born was one of mixed emotions. On the one hand, I experienced the highest of highs. But because of a few after birth complications, I was also thrust into the dark world of a worrying parent within minutes of my little girl’s birth. I now knew what it felt like to care so deeply for someone that it hurts beyond description. I likewise carried the concern of a father who feared for the life of a child he would gladly trade places with if ever the option was offered. Getting back to the point of this article, it was in those dark moments that my heart was truly changed and my old priorities went out the window. Only nine months earlier, I was willing to forgo having a baby because I feared we would lose our home. Minutes after she came into the world though, I would have sold my every earthly possession to medically treat whatever it was that those doctors looked concerned about.

Fortunately, Lacey recovered quickly and everything turned out okay. Sometimes what we fear most is what's best. Things don't always seem to add up at first, but we must always do what's right despite the answers we don't have. Life is about leaps of faith and taking some risks! My daughter's presence in our lives has been our greatest joy and most appreciated blessing. We haven't lost our home, but sometimes that crazy littl girl can make messes that turn everything upside down. Its all worth it though. If I hadn't budged when I did, I would have missed the highlights of the past 13-1/2 months! I can easily imagine a life without things and houses, but a world without the ones I love is most frightening of all.

C. Lee

Communication

2010-03-10T20:14:00.001-08:00

Communication
The key to any successful relationship is good communication. While this would seem like an obvious statement, the complexities and skills masked behind this term, make this sentence anything but simple. On a personal note, I’m currently taking a communications class. Its been very interesting, but there's a lot of information to digest. If there’s anything I’ve learned thus far though, it’s that my repertoire of communication abilities ranks somewhere near the level of those possessed by the chimp. I've got a lot to learn, but don't we all? In any case, since this topic is so vast, I couldn’t possibly hope to do it justice by writing a quick blog article. Nevertheless, I’d still like to share just a few concepts that I felt were exceptionally helpful.

Communication errors are probably one of the biggest contributors to most of the problems we face while interacting with other people. Misunderstandings make up a large portion of these. It is for this reason that we should be careful not to assume that an expressed perspective is always clearly understood. This concept is applicable whether you’re the speaker or the listener. What we say can sometimes communicate something entirely different. What we hear, can likewise mean something else. One thing to keep in mind, we all speak and hear according to our own perspective. We also interpret all messages based on our own background and knowledge. Body language and multiple meanings associated with similar words and phrases are also factors which can alter or detract from what anyone has to say. Thus, deriving an accurate meaning from an intended message isn‘t likely to occur all of the time.

Though there are many techniques which can help people improve their ability to communicate messages in the most clear and effective way, I'd like to focus on a great back-up technique designed for the listener. It’s called, rephrasing! Just as it sounds, this skill requires the listener to rephrase the general idea apparent in what they’ve just heard. In this way, the speaker rehears their own message from the perspective of their listener. Thus, they are shown whether or not they were understood. This technique however, must be used sincerely! It should also never consist of a simple robotic repeating of exact phrases and words. Otherwise, the listener will come off as disingenuous. Besides, repeating everything one hears would simply be obnoxious and counterproductive. Rephrasing is an ideal way to say, “I understood you to mean this, am I correct?” We obviously wouldn’t want to rephrase everything we hear, but it is a great tool to use as a clarity checker. It should be applied when the listener is unsure if they understand the information being presented to them.

Another wonderful tool that couples should familiarize themselves with is a concept called the “I statement.” "I statements" are the opposite of "you statements," and are designed to help people speak in non-accusing ways. You statements" tend to be perceived as intrusive and blaming attacks. "I statements" on the other hand, can halt the defensive and hostile escalation process. With this technique, the speaker emphasizes their feelings without judging and criticizing others. Consider the following examples. “When you do that, you make me angry!” OR “Sometimes I get angry when I see you do that!” Both statements express that the speaker gets angry when certain behaviors occur, but the second statement shows that the speaker is shouldering ownership of the emotion. The frustrating behavior is still attributed to the listener, but the “I statement” as compared to an accusatory phrase, is more likely to generate a positive response. Here is another example. "You aren't really listening to me." Or, "I feel as if I'm not being understood." See the difference? Try using this technique the next time you have a problem.

Last but not least, I’d like to share the “Make a Date” concept. Counterproductive and heated arguments tend to kick off because the initiator approaches a partner who isn’t ready. Rushing, fatigue, illness, stress, and preexisting anger are just a few of the conditions that might make your partner in anything but the right frame of mind to handle a conflict. It would be unfair to “ambush” them without notice, and expect to get their undivided attention for your issue. Persisting will likely land you in an ugly argument. When you find that you have a clear idea of a problem, approach your partner with a polite invitation for them to join you in solving it. For instance, you might consider saying, “Something’s been bothering me. Can we talk about it?” If the timing is good and your partner agrees to discuss things, move forward. Otherwise, find another time that’s more agreeable to both of you.

These ideas are just a few of many wonderful techniques that I’m currently studying. I wish I could share them all, but I hope the ones I’ve mentioned will be helpful to you in your relationships just the same. Good luck, and take care!

C. Lee

Adler, Ronald B. and George Rodman. Understanding Human Communication. New York: 2009. p.207.

Understanding Depression

2010-02-04T18:00:00.002-08:00

Depression
Feeling down? So how do you know if it's just a bad phase, or when it's something more? For starters, although sadness is a normal emotion, its persistence probably isn't. "Many people use the term depression imprecisely, to refer to a wide range of affective problems. Psychologists believe that it is important to distinguish among depressed mood (feeling sad), depressive syndromes (having multiple symptoms of depression), and depressive disorder (having enough symptoms to be diagnosed with the illness) (Steinberg 426). In any case, depression is often misunderstood, and likewise misdiagnosed.

While there might be truth to what some deem as "an unnecessary influx of anti-depressants being prescribed these days," depression is a very real condition for many. Some forms of depression can be treated without drugs, but other types require medicinal solutions. "Depression has emotional symptoms, including dejection, decreased enjoyment of pleasurable activities, and low self-esteem. It has cognitive symptoms, such as pessimism and hopelessness. It has motivational symptoms, including apathy and boredom. Finally, it usually has physical symptoms, such as a loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, and loss of energy" (Steinberg 426). Let's look at some simplified explanations of the various forms and ranges of depression, and explore some causes and treatment options.

There are essentially three main categories of depression; namely Circumstantial, Consequential and Chemical. This isn't technical jargon, but these three Cs will help us organize the complexities of this ailment. By identifying which of these categories best describes the cause of your symptoms, you'll be better able to find the right solution for you. Things aren’t always so cut and dry though, because depression can be comprised of any number of combinations among the three of these forms. Additionally, each form can trigger the others! It can get tricky. Let’s examine each type of depression individually.

Circumstantial Depression is what I like to call a responsive injury which can be caused by sad and/or disappointing events, experiences and conditions. These include, but are not limited to, a change in our regular routines, boredom, marital spats, illness, pain, disability, the loss of a loved one, a break-up, divorce and/or exposure to hurtful and upsetting behaviors and situations in various degrees. This type of depression is emotionally based in response to any of the above mentioned experiences and more. Death, divorce, a wayward child, and the prospect of feared outcomes real or imaginary are among some of the most severe triggers of circumstantial depression. While these things do in fact cause a chemical reaction that prompt sadness or anxiety, one's symptoms are usually dependant upon the existence of the external factors. Or better put, relief often comes as soon as the troubling circumstances improve or go away. Circumstantial depression can be classified as somewhat of a normal response to depressing things even though the sufferer may not feel normal. It can even be a seasonal problem, such as is experienced by parents whose kids are out of school for the summer. The point is, we all have our momentary ups and downs and there will always be things that affect us emotionally. No one however, should have to cope with such things indefinitely. Prolonged exposure in this category can lead individuals to development chemical depression.

Rx: While medicines are available for treating symptoms, real solutions for circumstantial depression include time to heal, establishing support networks among family and friends, seeking counseling, and mending or removing applicable circumstances. Taking ample time outs for oneself while pursuing enjoyable things that can take your mind away from troubling circumstances may also be beneficial. Getting out and talking to a friend about your feelings or what's bothering you can be very therapeutic.All in all, a person should seek to change the issues causing the reaction before seeking medication.

Consequential Depression is often caused by sin, regret, guilt, etc. This type of depression is more spiritually based, but manifests itself physically and emotionally. When we do things that are contrary to God’s will, or offend the Spirit, we will undoubtedly feel the void caused by the diminished influence or absence of the Holy Ghost. This type of depression is felt on our spiritual nerves, and symbolically indicates that our spirit is injured and damaged. An easy way of describing the cause of this kind of depression is "guilt for the things we have done that we know are wrong." The mistakes we make on a daily basis do not usually initiate consequential depression. That is, unless such transgressions have accumulated into surmounting baggage. Instead, this type of depression is prompted by more serious wrong-doings. Sadly, people try to write off this spiritual reaction as one of the other types of depression mentioned here. Reckoning with the true cause of your symptoms is the only real solution. As a word of caution, it is not okay to assume
Rx: The best treatment for consequential depression is restitution, repentance and personal forgiveness. Some sins are best resolved with the help of a proper church leader and/or a counselor. Medicine can dull the physical manifestations of this condition, but is not a recommended substitute for the need to repair one's individual relationship with God and others. Please do not misconstrue what I’m saying. I am not suggesting that those who suffer from depression are being punished by God because they have sinned. Rather, that only some cases of depression are the result of a disharmonious life. Those who are not religious or who do not believe in God can attribute consequential depression symptoms to misdeeds for which their conscience is now getting to them. Non-religious people can still become emotionally injured when they cross societal and personal boundaries or disrupt their realm of what they know to be right and wrong. It is however, a dangerous notion to suggest that depression is only a spiritual condition. Many people who suffer from depression have not made poor choices that have caused it and are not personally responsible for or in control of their condition. But, it would also be irresponsible of me to not admit that some cases of depression are caused by guilt.

Chemical Depression, more officially refered to as Clinical Depression, is the most severe and complex form of this affliction. Though this type of suffering can be caused by other forms of untreated depression, it can exist independently. For most people, chemical depression is a condition that is completely out of their control. It may not be induced by personal errors, nor is it necessarily caused by one’s circumstances. Instead, this ailment is best described as an imbalance within the mind. Many factors like those mentioned earlier can trigger mental misfires that cause lasting imbalances, but yet again, they can occur without such provocation. Some studies suggest that this type of depression can run in the family, which may make some people likely candidates for it. In any case, people who struggle with this condition report being sad and lethargic for no reason at all. It can be truly debilitating! It can disrupt our relationships with others. Postpartum depression and bi-polar disorder are variations of chemical depression. Some may argue that postpartum depression is circumstantial, but this only accounts for the naturally occurring condition that commonly comes and goes after a brief duration. Postpartum depression doesn’t always go away on its own though, making it an imbalance that may need to be treated.

Rx: Treatment for chemical depression is best achieved through medicine. Victims of this condition will need to clearly describe all their symptoms to a trained professional, as this can help the right medicines be prescribed. There are many types of anti-depressants, and for some individuals, finding the right one may be a frustrating experimental process. Not all medicines work for everyone, and some can make symptoms worse. This is usually a good indicator that you should immediately discontinue taking what’s been prescribed, and return back to your doctor. Keep in mind however, that most anti-depressants make people feel tired at first. Its important that treatment not be abandoned simply because one medicine wasn't a right fit. Some people make the mistake of getting off their medicine as soon as it makes them feel better. Unfortunately, they fail to admit it's the medicine that's helping them, as apposed to them actually being better. Stick with it!

Because depression strikes both the carrier and their loved ones, treatment is so important. Sadly, people afflicted with all forms of depression are typically the first to deny they have it or acknowledge its severity. Some are even fooled into believing all people feel and see the world as they do. They rationalize that they don't need professional help or medicine, and that if there is sadness, that it will go away on its own. Nevertheless, depression is usually apparent to those who live and interact with the sufferer. Thus, most counselors and doctors rely on the patient as well as those close to them to formulate a tentative diagnosis. In other words, if you know of someone who might have depression, your input on the matter may be key to their recovery.

In all cases of depression, one’s diet and level of physical activity are also factors. Vitamins and herbs are sometimes a good alternative for medicinal treatment of milder cases of depression. Consult a licensed medical professional before taking any medicines, vitamins, herbs and when beginning or ending a diet or exercise regimen. On a side note, I have found that Dr. Hansen’s Optimum Vitality (Mood) supplements or St. John’s Wort work well for minor cases of sadness and anxiety. But don't take these herbs continually as they can cause other problems or worsen the condition. Its best to take St. John's Wort only when you feel anxiety and sadness coming on. There are also some amazing cognitive therapy techniques that can really help.

Last but not least, if you have depression, you are not alone! This isn't to say that most people suffer from it, but an ever increasing population do. Many adults suffer from depression, but I'd like to highlight the fact that depression is the most common psychological disturbance among adolescents. In this way, parents should be aware of their teens and help them get proper help when they need it. The good news is, there are options for you. Talk to your family and friends and establish a support network. If you need to see a doctor, don’t wait! If you need to see a counselor, schedule an appointment as soon as possible. Depression can steal your life away, and it seriously impacts those around you as well. Getting treated will benefit you and your family. Getting the proper help can get you back to your life.

C. Lee

(Citations from Adolescence, Ninth Edition, by Laurence Steinberg Page 426)

The Little Things!

2010-01-18T15:52:00.001-08:00

The little things

You've probably heard the saying, “it’s the little things.” Or what about, “it’s in the details?” Applied to your relationships, these details and those little things comprise some of the forces that can make or break your important ties. Collectively, even small things and minor details are potentially substantial. So, let’s discuss the minuscule things that need your attention, and go over the tiny things that don’t.

Why is it that couples tend to fight most about silly things? In theory, human nature leads us to struggle with the prospect of someone disagreeing with us when it comes to elementary concepts. Because our opinions relating to basic things are sometimes personally perceived as cut and dry and the most logical conclusion anyone would come to, contrasting ideas are seldom anticipated. We expect our bold opinions on matters like politics and religion to be challenged, but most of us can get a bit ruffled when someone opposes or disagrees with our most simplistic views. To avoid the risk associated with fighting over inconsequential things, couples should really try to refrain from presenting relative issues as absolutes. Remember, opinions are a dime a dozen. We're also all entitled to them. If your honey’s perspective differs from yours over the little things, don’t sweat it. Instead, appreciate that you didn't marry yourself! We are all different for a reason. Life would be pretty boring without such diversity. Besides, you have to pick your battles. Debating things like the use of the toothpaste tube and the spin direction of the toilet paper roll are not worth fretting over.

Just as you shouldn't sweat the above mentioned kinds of little things, I want to mention a few minor details that do matter. How often do you tell your significant other that you love them? Sounds simple, but many couples get so used to being together that they forget that they should still say those three words frequently. How many times do you hug your partner, sit by them, hold their hand, or listen to them? Do you serve your partner by lifting what's burdening them? What about secretly doing small acts of kindness? Do you call each other from work, praise each other’s achievements, validate each other's ideas and compliment one another's appearances? Do you give flowers, winks and offer your sweetie a bite of your food? The point is, we all know these things are important, but these are also the small things that often go by the wayside during daily living. If we can learn to negate the small things that don’t matter, and implement the small things that do, our relationships will be that much more successful. (January 18, 2010 Article 1.)

C. Lee

Pornography

2009-05-04T09:55:00.002-07:00

Pornography

The subject of pornography is a difficult one to discuss, but because it has had such a negative impact on families, I feel personally obligated to mention it seeing that this is a blog meant to help those who can and are being hurt by it.

For starters, if you or a loved one has been affected by pornography, there is hope! I am an optimistic person when it comes to people’s ability to overcome challenges. While there are plenty of voices arguing that people can’t and don’t change, I am not one of them. In fact, such a notion contradicts my entire perspective relating to the purpose of life and my Christian ideals about our Savior and his redeeming role. In other words, nothing is impossible! After all, people change all the time! If learning, growing and strengthening weaknesses do not constitute change, what does? Not to mention that people overcome a variety of problems and addictions everyday. The point is, all is not lost!

Secondly, I feel its important that we differentiate between a person who has had a pornography problem and someone who is addicted to it. Not everyone who has looked at porn or struggled with it is a porn addict! It is a slippery slope though, because a pornography addiction can form rather quickly. Either way, we should be careful when we use the term addict.

The best way to avoid a pornography problem or an addiction to it is to never tamper with it in the first place. Unfortunately, the media we see all around us makes this easier said than done. Temptation is extremely prevalent! There are a number of reasons why a person might start looking at pornography. Believe it or not, the number one reason is curiosity. More often than not, curiosity is triggered by what some people refer to as "light porn". "Light porn" consists of all and any of the provocative images we are constantly exposed to in the regular media. If it stirs a sexual inclination, it qualifies! This is one of the reasons we should ever guard ourselves and those we love from anything and everything that can potentially jump start a problem.

Some of the other reasons identified as igniting a porn problem were related to a person’s dissatisfaction with their current sex life and/or with their partner or spouse themselves. Men are especially more likely to become victims of pornography since there is a discrepancy between a man’s sex drive and that of a woman’s. Nevertheless, this does not mean that women are immune or are to blame if she isn’t in the mood as often as he is. The differences are normal, but using pornography as the remedy is not! By the way, did you notice that I referred to those who look at pornography as victims as well? This is fitting because pornography is literally waging a war against everyone. After all, a person can innocently be aroused by a mere exposure to something they did not always intend or choose to see. For example, there are bill boards along roadsides, commercials on T.V., and inappropriate magazine covers in every check out isle! Provocative images are hard to avoid! These things can be a foot in the door that prompts a person to entertain it longer and deeper.

People tend to underestimate the affects and/or consequences of pornography. What may start because of curiosity however, can quickly become an all encompassing addiction that destroys self control and a person’s ability to have normal relationships with others. Pornography therefore, is a plague that if left unchecked, can devour marriages and families.

One of the many repercussions of looking at porn is that it triggers what is known as the Contrast Effect. The contrast effect is a perceptual phenomenon in which a given object is perceived differently depending on the other objects to which it is compared to. To better illustrate this principal, imagine getting to eat one of your favorite deserts. Its delicious isn't it? If this desert however, was only one of many options available to you, it may not be your first choice given the numerous alternatives. Heck, it may not even look as good anymore when you see all the other deserts you could try. In other words, constantly looking at images of physically fit and attractive models slowly makes average people who would otherwise be attractive and good enough, not look as appealing by comparison. The one thing to keep in mind about the pornography industry as well as almost every other media outlet is that their portrayals of women and people in general are unrealistic and will therefore leave most people disappointed with reality if they continually absorbs that which is being offered there.

The contrast affect can annihilate a person’s ability to be attracted to another person in a normal manner. It however, is the least of our worries. Pornography offers its victims self gratification on demand. Sadly, this too is not normal amidst real human interaction and therefore, destroys self control! What’s more, porn addicts develop a detachment from people because they do not have an actual relationship with the subjects in the pornographic images they are viewing. This disassociation from the human element of sex increases the likelihood that they will continue to objectify women or people elsewhere. This greatly impacts one's ability to look at people as people instead of something they can just use. Pornography can make a person very desensitized.
Without getting too technical, the brain processes information by sending impulses across neurological pathways. When a person learns something new or looks at a picture, the brain establishes new pathways so as to store and then easily retrieve this information whenever needed. The impression made by images however, are especially significant. This means that the brain stores and processes images very efficiently. Consequently, the things we see are not easy to erase or forget. This is okay if the images we store are wholesome, but if our minds are filled with filthy images on the other hand, keeping them at bay can prove to be a challenge.

The key to solving a problem of this nature is to stop immediately! Get rid of all pornography and access to pornography in all its various forms right away. This is not one of those things a person can slowly give up! Cold turkey is a must! One of the difficulties people who are overcoming addictions face is that their heart has changed, but their bodies still crave that which used to be given to it so freely. This could be termed as a form of withdrawal, but in all actuality, a person might be torn in this manner for a very long time.

The truth is, not everything that is bad for us feels bad! Even though we might feel guilty for something, our bodies can simultaneously feel pleasure as well. This is in part because good feelings such as pleasure operate in a different part of our brain and may become so ingrained that our bodies want these sensations again and again. In this way, recognizing that something feels good and even craving it does not make a person guilty. Gratifying these inclinations however, does! Try occupying your mind with good and wholesome things! Avoid idleness and excessive alone time (especially at night). Couples should also avoid sleeping in separate beds and /or separate rooms. This alone will increases the chances that intimacy will occur in a normal manner. Last but not least, its important that couples openly communicate about their sexual needs and find solutions that make both of them happy.

I would not personally counsel a couple to separate or get divorced because one of them has had a porn problem. Well, at least not when the addict is truly sorry and willing to stop! I would however, stress that a continuance of this problem will likely destroy the marriage as well as the addict’s personal life. With its ability to chip away at self control, pornography can easily be coined as a gateway infraction that can lead to other more serious problems. If the individual who has had the problem has been honest and is willing to accept help, I believe that their marriage can eventually be made whole.

Women are more likely than men to see pornography as a form of infidelity. The problem is, infidelity is not a matter of perspective. Viewing pornography is definitely a violation of one's marriage commitment, but I want to stress that a man who has looked at pornography may in fact still love his wife and be attracted to her. Better put, a bout or addiction to pornography can sometimes have nothing to do with that person's relationship with their significant other. Unfortunately, the effects of the bout or addiction do affect the relationship! I do not condone pornography of course, but I want to put it in perspective. It' s very easy to assume that people who love their spouse enough don't do things that destroy their marriages. Because we are human, such a notion is absolutely ridiculous. For instance, alcoholics can be addicted to alcohol and love the very family their problem is hurting. People do things that hurt the people they love the most all the time. Why, because we are human. We all have weaknesses and we are all subject to temptations. Sparing much detail, the matter is very complex and the context in which mistakes and problems occurs is of consideration. The bottom line is that pornography and normalcy cannot be achieved at the same time. If the addict’s is willing to get help and their partner is forgiving, all can be made right with a little bit of time. The key is that the addict has to really want to change!

Some suggestions for avoiding pornography

• Keep your computer out in the open.

• Have your wife set parental controls on your Internet.

• Be open and honest with each other about your feelings relating to your sex life.

• Turn the TV off or switch channels when there is something provocative on.

C. Lee